


Behind Old Eyes

by SassyFanGirl



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-18
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 09:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6279958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFanGirl/pseuds/SassyFanGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No one stops to think about what The Doctor is hiding behind his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Age of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> **I do not own Doctor Who or the characters. I know that the Doctor seems out of character, but I think it is important to think about the possibilities of everything that he has seen. I actually wrote this a while ago, didn't know how I felt about it. Figured I could share it here to see what you all thought!

Alone again. Why must it always end with me being alone? I had it so good! I had Amy, oh my amazing Amelia Pond.. I had people to fight for again. I thought it was.. I thought I was... getting better... But then I had to make someone stop believing in me. Never mind the fact that all my other companions usually come to that conclusion on their own, that's something I've accepted, but no, this time I had to say it. I had to look my best friend in the eyes and watch her give up on me. Something that I know all too much about. But that's the point isn't it? I can't have a best friend, I have to lose everyone, everything that I love.

 

"IS THIS MY PUNISHMENT?" he screamed at the console. "I SAVED THE UNIVERSE.. I LOST... I lost everything, I thought that was it.." Why can't I stay happy for once? "I-I just can't do this anymore." he whispered.

 

The Doctor spent weeks just walking around the endless halls of the TARDIS. The rooms constantly changing and him reliving his past. It all started out fine, fond memories of all his companions, but each happy memory was followed by an even greater sad one. How those wonderful companions left his memory. Left his side. Clasping his hand behind his back and stifling and human emotion he continued walking. 

 

Rassilon, I'm a Time Lord, I shouldn't be having these feelings. If anyone were left, they would have nothing to do with me. Hearing the elders in his head, "We are superior, we have no need for self pity or sadness. We move on." Quietly, the Doctor muttered, "I move on.."

Just then the next memory he came across brought back the most amount of feelings. Rose. His hands drop to his sides and he leans against the wall. He still hadn't recovered fully from her. It's been, golly, so many years now, and he still hasn't forgotten about her. He sees himself, old self, shedding one tear. Hands in pocket, and head bowed. But no more emotion, for even a tear was a lot for a Time Lord to shed over any human. Moving on to add to the pain and guilt he sees Martha. How he hated himself for not caring more about her, but it was so soon after Rose. Then Donna... Such fond memories, and some of the hardest to know that she will never know them, or him. The Doctor stops at the last door. He knows what is behind it. It's the door marked 11, and he leans against the wall and slips down until he is sitting across from the door.

 

Nothing. I feel.. numb, empty, confused. Why can't I feel anything? Have I maxed out my feelings? Have I overloaded the memory circuits in my mind that it has left me fried? For the amount of pity I have for myself.. no, it's not even that. I ruined these people's lives! If I had just left them all alone they wouldn't be so screwed up, but I am just so selfish I have to rope them in for the sake of a few good memories. 

 

He doesn't know how long it's been since he sat down. Time had slipped away from him. Slowly getting to his feet, the Doctor starts walking to the console room. He stand looking at the controls, hand in his pockets thinking, Where to go... But he still has his memories baring down on him, so he decides that he needs to go to sleep. A rare occasion, considering how easily a Time Lord can regain energy, but he is too drained to do anything. Turning on his heel, he goes through the hallway and walks to his room.


	2. New Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Elders would never approve of The Doctor's way of coping.

The Doctor sat on his bed and thought of nothing. He felt so empty. He has always hated goodbyes but this was different. He never had to watch.. make.. someone stop believing in him. Seeing Amy's face, and picturing that look on all his other companions came too easily. That's what happens after all, they all give up on him at some point. When the burden of keeping his eyes open became too difficult, the Doctor kicked of his shoes and socks, got up, started to take off his bow-tie and slowly walked to his bathroom. He slipped out of his jacket, untucked, and started unbuttoning his shirt. He was done with the buttons, he saw his reflection in the mirror. He turned and met his own eyes. He stood in front of his mirror and looked at himself for a moment. 

How much more pathetic can I get? With his shirt still on, but unbuttoned, he just looked into the eyes that held the weight of so many memories and so much pain. He shrugged off his shirt to reveal his lean arms. Good thing no one tries to get me out of my jacket or shirt.. 

Through the mirror he allows his eyes to gaze over his scars He looks over the images that reflected his moments of weakness and he remembers when and why they were all placed. Most of the time they were from moments where he was reminded of his past. Others were from losing the battle with his nightmares of what's to come. All the lines, some crossing, some parallel. Tonight, however, tonight there was so many that he couldn't bare it. He frantically started to knock things over and yell as loud as he can. Panting, he looked to the ground and saw all the broken shards of glass that had shattered. He fell to his knees and picked one up.

I can't change the past, I know that. I can't control the fact that Rose is trapped on another world. I cannot control Donna not remembering me, or Martha's ruined life, I cannot control any of it! I can't.. control anything, but I can control one thing. He didn't realize how tightly he had been holding onto that shard until a drop of blood dripped onto his pant leg. "I can control pain." he said, looking towards his arm. With that statement he ripped through his skin, connecting the top scar to the bottom scar. Representing that tonight it wasn't just one thing, it was all of them. He completed in one lone line down his arm, twisting with the other scars. With the pain slowing burning, he stood up and looked at himself in the mirror. That can't be possible.. NO! The Doctor suddenly couldn't breathe. The line that connected the scars was familiar. Barely containing his emotions, he slowly raised his arm perpendicular to the floor, blood dripped from the fresh wound. With a gasp, he backup against the wall and fell to the ground again. The line was in the shape of the crack from Amy's wall. It wasn't until this moment that he allowed tears to fall.

The Doctor sat on the floor for a long time. Unlike before, he felt every second crawl by. The thoughts running 100 miles per hour in his mind. Why now? What does it mean? After what felt like hours, the doctor pulled himself up. Without cleaning himself, or the room, up and without changing his pants, the Doctor walked to his bed. He didn't bother with the covers, the cold sheets were welcomed. Letting his mind roll, his heavy eyes fell shut.


End file.
